Should you live together first?

To cohabit or not to cohabit? This has become a test of morals as many men and women are burdened with this decision making process. When I was asked by the Editor to write on ‘should you live together first’ I immediately thought to myself, ‘Oh, that’s a no-brainer. I could squeeze out time from my schedule to scribble the obvious. The first thing that came to my mind was it’s a no- no and that was it! On second thought, being the critical researcher I am, I decided to sample opinions to justify why it is wrong to live together before marriage.
In such cases as this, the discussion would require more than just one point of view so I had to ask a few people (male & female), what they actually thought about living together first before marriage. At the end of my survey, I found it disheartening that some people have justification as to why they in actual fact cohabited before marriage.
Aderonke*(names changed) told me how she was saved from a catastrophic marriage, thanks to ‘knowing the man’ before their wedding. Having dated for only a few months, Aderonke & Fred* got engaged and planned a summer wedding. Now fiancé and fiancée, Aderonke moved in with Fred to begin wifely duties. It wasn’t long before Fred showed his true self. He was highly petulant and never found Aderonke’s opinion/analysis of issues reasonable. Then the beatings started. Aderonke knew it was time to call it quits which she did just weeks before the wedding was set to take place. Although single now, Aderonke still believes she made the right choice by living with Fred; to know who he really was and saved herself a lifetime of misery.
Several stories and experiences similar to this abound. But what is thought to be morally just?
To begin with, what does God say about cohabitation?
As individuals differ, so is their rationale for doing what they do. Some people decide to move in first for many reasons; due to insecurity, homelessness, ‘love’, lack of morals, pregnancy etc. By homelessness, I mean a runaway individual who probably has been either told they are too young for marriage or their choice of spouse is unacceptable; so they elope with their partner. Another example would be a woman who is desperate for marriage and moves in with the man whom she hopes to be with. Again, a man could invite you in as his second or third wife because he wants to help your family; without doing what religion, custom and tradition requires. You live with him and bear his kids, yet you still aren’t his wife. The few reasons mentioned aren’t still enough to move in together before marriage. As with everything in life, there are pros and cons.
A research showed that cohabiting before marriage had more disadvantages than advantages. The following scriptures are an indication of God’s word towards cohabitation: - Proverbs 14:12, Ecclesiastes 3:1&5, 1 Corinthians 6:18; 7:8-9, Galatians 6:7-8, 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-6, Hebrews 13:4.
The above scriptures provide answers to people in crisis of decision-making. Sometimes, we look around us and see that others are living together and getting away with it, thereby, thinking it is the right thing to do. This isn’t who we are; we must be able to discern from what is right or wrong. (James 1:5). Again, there’s is time for everything, which is living together after marriage.
It is only right to assume that Aderonke and Fred had sexual relations while living together as premarital sex is an ingredient of cohabiting. That is a sin! And with sin comes the wrath of God. Premarital sex also exposes one to further sin. Supposing one falls pregnant, they may decide to have an abortion which comes with its own risks and complications. There are also instances of women having multiple abortions for their live-in partner who in the end never married them.
Knowing who you are in Christ Jesus that your body is His holy temple made to glorify him, you wouldn’t be eager to cohabit with a man or woman before marriage.
Have you thought of what happens if that person is tired of you somewhere along the line? People change. Living together before marriage isn’t a guarantee of marriage or eventual marital bliss if it does occur.
Life is choice-driven and we must be on the alert when it comes to making decisions that will affect our lives forever.
To help those in a confused state of to cohabit or not to cohabit, the answer is no! You shouldn’t ever contemplate living with someone before you’ve been pronounced man and wife. Inspite of the pressure you might face, you must stand up firmly and rebuke the devil.
Excerpts from: Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage by Ray Fowler. www.rayfowler.org/2008/05/21/scripture-on-living-together-before-marriage/
(To be published in WIN 360 Magazine)