Should you live together first?

To cohabit or not to cohabit? This has become a test of morals as many men and women are burdened with this decision making process. When I was asked by the Editor to write on ‘should you live together first’ I immediately thought to myself, ‘Oh, that’s a no-brainer. I could squeeze out time from my schedule to scribble the obvious. The first thing that came to my mind was it’s a no- no and that was it! On second thought, being the critical researcher I am, I decided to sample opinions to justify why it is wrong to live together before marriage.
In such cases as this, the discussion would require more than just one point of view so I had to ask a few people (male & female), what they actually thought about living together first before marriage. At the end of my survey, I found it disheartening that some people have justification as to why they in actual fact cohabited before marriage.
Aderonke*(names changed) told me how she was saved from a catastrophic marriage, thanks to ‘knowing the man’ before their wedding. Having dated for only a few months, Aderonke & Fred* got engaged and planned a summer wedding. Now fiancé and fiancée, Aderonke moved in with Fred to begin wifely duties. It wasn’t long before Fred showed his true self. He was highly petulant and never found Aderonke’s opinion/analysis of issues reasonable. Then the beatings started. Aderonke knew it was time to call it quits which she did just weeks before the wedding was set to take place. Although single now, Aderonke still believes she made the right choice by living with Fred; to know who he really was and saved herself a lifetime of misery.
Several stories and experiences similar to this abound. But what is thought to be morally just?
To begin with, what does God say about cohabitation?
As individuals differ, so is their rationale for doing what they do. Some people decide to move in first for many reasons; due to insecurity, homelessness, ‘love’, lack of morals, pregnancy etc. By homelessness, I mean a runaway individual who probably has been either told they are too young for marriage or their choice of spouse is unacceptable; so they elope with their partner. Another example would be a woman who is desperate for marriage and moves in with the man whom she hopes to be with. Again, a man could invite you in as his second or third wife because he wants to help your family; without doing what religion, custom and tradition requires. You live with him and bear his kids, yet you still aren’t his wife. The few reasons mentioned aren’t still enough to move in together before marriage. As with everything in life, there are pros and cons.
A research showed that cohabiting before marriage had more disadvantages than advantages. The following scriptures are an indication of God’s word towards cohabitation: - Proverbs 14:12, Ecclesiastes 3:1&5, 1 Corinthians 6:18; 7:8-9, Galatians 6:7-8, 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-6, Hebrews 13:4.
The above scriptures provide answers to people in crisis of decision-making. Sometimes, we look around us and see that others are living together and getting away with it, thereby, thinking it is the right thing to do. This isn’t who we are; we must be able to discern from what is right or wrong. (James 1:5). Again, there’s is time for everything, which is living together after marriage.
It is only right to assume that Aderonke and Fred had sexual relations while living together as premarital sex is an ingredient of cohabiting. That is a sin! And with sin comes the wrath of God. Premarital sex also exposes one to further sin. Supposing one falls pregnant, they may decide to have an abortion which comes with its own risks and complications. There are also instances of women having multiple abortions for their live-in partner who in the end never married them.
Knowing who you are in Christ Jesus that your body is His holy temple made to glorify him, you wouldn’t be eager to cohabit with a man or woman before marriage.
Have you thought of what happens if that person is tired of you somewhere along the line? People change. Living together before marriage isn’t a guarantee of marriage or eventual marital bliss if it does occur.
Life is choice-driven and we must be on the alert when it comes to making decisions that will affect our lives forever.
To help those in a confused state of to cohabit or not to cohabit, the answer is no! You shouldn’t ever contemplate living with someone before you’ve been pronounced man and wife. Inspite of the pressure you might face, you must stand up firmly and rebuke the devil.
Excerpts from: Scriptures on Living Together Before Marriage by Ray Fowler. www.rayfowler.org/2008/05/21/scripture-on-living-together-before-marriage/
(To be published in WIN 360 Magazine)

The fine line between Marriage and Divorce by Iris Krasnow






I'm just coming off 200 interviews and two years of listening to mature wives reflect on -- or moan about -- how they are managing to stick it out in long marriages. Scenes from their relationships that range from 15 to 70 years are woven together in my new book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married coming out in early October.



I've been married for 23 years during which my husband and I have raised four sons, and have had plenty of rocking and rolling in our relationship. From my own experiences, and from the dozens of sagas unloaded into my tape recorder, I am constantly reminded of the eggshell-thin line that separates loving from loathing. I know that staying married can mean plates flying across kitchens, tears soaking pillows and emailing old boyfriends at 3 a.m.

I thought nothing could shock me about what really goes on behind closed doors between two people working hard to make it "til death do us part" -- without killing someone first. After all, I have heard every brand of twisted love story -- swinging, adultery, spouses coming out as gay after 30 years together, threesomes, fist fights in restaurants, even the tale of a husband discovered to be having sex with a sheep, documented in a photograph discovered by his wife in his nightstand drawer.

But in piecing together this latest book I have been surprised at some of the revelations. I'm not as ruffled by the tawdry tales of farm animals or one I heard from a 55-year-old wife about screwing a perfectly sculpted landscaper while her doctor husband was lecturing on vein surgery in another country. My biggest shock is how many outwardly cheerful women who have been married forever think about divorce if not weekly, at least once a month.

How's this for a statistic? Of the 200 plus women interviewed and woven into The Secret Lives of Wives, I can count on one hand those who have never considered splitting up. It was no surprise that Beth often considered leaving her husband. He routinely told her she was fat and ugly, and when they fought in the car he would pull over and shove her out the door. Who could blame Shauna for her many consults with a divorce lawyer? She's the wife of the traveling doctor, a man who hasn't initiated sex since their honeymoon 30 years ago. Her secret is that she has it both ways: an intact family and a ten-year affair with a hard-bodied lover, who does her landscaping for free.

The biggest shocker is the number of wives in stable unions who frequently contemplate fleeing their marriages. These are not abused wives; they are women with nice husbands who give them orgasms and jewelry and stability. Yet many of these settled midlife women admitted they were slightly jealous of Tipper Gore who gets to have a fresh start after 40 years of matrimony with the same guy. While many speculated about whether one of the Gores fell in love with someone else, my instincts without talking to either of them is that perhaps they are a lot like other couples portrayed in the book. Maybe they were simply sick of being around each other. And maybe one or both of them finally couldn't take it any more.

Who stays married and who doesn't is a question not always about commitment or deep abiding love -- it's about endurance.

I have found in my collection of wives who remain in long running marriages that the majority of them share these common traits: They have the guts and determination to stick it out, no matter what. And their laments about their marriages aren't because of anything serious. It's the subtle nuances of living with one person in one house for a very long time that grates at the soul, that causes a simmering malaise. It's the grind of the ordinary that drives people into thinking, "Is this all there is? I want more. I want adventure. I want change."

Who wouldn't want changes with the current statistics on lifespan? Women in their 80s and 90s are the fastest growing segment of the aging population which means that many of us wives could easily hit our 50th wedding anniversaries and beyond. That's a hell of a long time to sustain one love affair, particularly when empty nest hits and it's only you and the husband with no cushion of kids as a buffer.

There are three strategies that have worked the best with the women I interviewed. The happiest wives have a sense of purpose and passion in work and causes outside of the home. Wives who counted on a spouse for fulfillment and sustenance were often angry and lonely. And the happiest wives don't spend a whole lot of time with their husbands. My chapter called Separate Summers is filled with women who take their own vacations, take their own summers, take charge of their own lives. Couples who allow each other to grow separately are the ones with the best chance of growing together and staying together.

Finally, the wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent about their husbands.

Yes, my work on this book has been quite surprising and enlightening. I now know that acceptance of mediocrity in a marriage relationship is more prevalent than you would imagine. I know that sometimes the only reason women stay with a spouse is because they have divorced friends who may have more sex than they do with new husbands but they also have cranky step-kids who hate them. Other women stay in lackluster marriages because they don't want to give up their swanky lifestyles, and divorce is expensive, really expensive. We know from our friends who are pushed to the edge and do call it quits that the grass isn't always greener, there are parched patches on both sides of the fence.

But most women told me they stay married simply because they like their marriages more than they dislike them, even if much of the time it's 51 percent "like" to 49 percent "dislike."

Iris Krasnow is a bestselling author and an assistant professor in the School of Communication at American University. Connect with her on: www.iriskrasnow.com

NIGER DELTA CULTURAL CENTRE: The Agbarha-Otor Experience

This essay is a review of experience which occurred in Agbarha-Otor, Delta State on the 24th of August, 2011. A total of ten (11) post graduate students of the Fine Arts and Design Department were able to make this trip as well as a number of sandwich students who came in another bus.
The main purpose of the excursion was to give students the opportunity to visit the legendary Bruce Onobrakpeya’s art centre, a place where it is assumed that every artist should pass through to get both theoretical and practical knowledge; at least once in their lifetime. This place is called Niger Delta Cultural Centre founded by Bruce Onobrakpeya in 1998, venue of the yearly Harmattan Workshop and August Retreat sponsored by Bruce Onobrakpeya Foundation (BOF).
In my words, an experience is not an experience till you experience it! This goes to say that the reader of this review might not get a first hand experience of the centre like I did. However, it is my hope that the review gives the reader something exciting to read about and maybe urge them to attend any of the annual workshops organized by the centre or to plan a visit for the experience.
Bruce Onobrakpeya (b.1932)
The iconic Bruce Onobrakpeya, one of Nigeria and indeed Africa’s most foremost, highly respected and recognized artists was born in Agbarha-Otor, Delta State, Nigeria in 1932. Often described as a living legend, he has shown versatility in different areas of art and design such as printmaking, painting, wood and metal sculpture. As a student of Fine Arts at the Nigerian College of Arts, Science and Technology now known as Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, Bruce alongside his contemporaries formed an art movement named Zaria Art Society they being referred to as Zaria Rebels. The ideology that prompted this movement was the need to be free from the manipulation of European influence on African art philosophy and concepts which plagued first generation academic realists. This movement changed the course of art in Nigeria towards a distinctly African aesthetic.
Upon graduation from the Nigerian College of Arts, Science and Technology, Zaria in 1961, Bruce practiced under Ben Enwonwu as an apprentice in 1962. He then studied print-making with a Dutch graphic artist Ru Van Rossem overseas. (Chukueggu, 1998)
He has many accolades to his name, has attended, participated and organised several exhibitions around the world.
Bruce Onobrakpeya Foundation (BOF)
The Bruce Onobrakpeya foundation (BOF) is an artist led non-governmental organization formed in 1989. BOF’s mission is to engender the growth of art and culture through the provision of opportunities for artists to improve themselves through skills acquisition and empowerment, also it seeks to promote and develop public interest in the visual arts by creating awareness for the intrinsic values of African arts and its benefits to society.
BOF has been an enduring player in the visual arts scene since its inception in Nigeria. It has organized the Amos Tutuola Show, Lagos (2000), the Annual Harmattan Workshop since 1998 and participated at the Commonwealth Heads of State and Government Meeting (CHOGM) Exhibition, Abuja (2003), Art & Democracy Exhibition, Asaba, Delta State (2004), and the Harvest of the Harmattan Retreat Exhibition organized in collaboration with the Pan African University, Lagos (2004) amongst other programmes. (Excerpt from www.bofoundation.org).
Niger Delta Cultural Centre
Ejiro Barrett describes the centre as “an art haven in the Niger Delta”. His article in 234next.com does justice in the descriptive nature of the centre. In his experience at one of the Harmattan Workshops, he was able to interact with the progenitor- Bruce Onobrakpeya and Dele Jegede an art historian and critic.
The main building which doubles as a gallery and workshop venue was built by Demas Nwoko, a contemporary of Bruce Onobrakpeya. It is an enormous three storey brick and concrete building. Every year, visual artists, students, professionals and tourists flock to the centre to participate and experience the peace, serenity and artistry the centre provides.

Exterior shot of the centre from the roadside Entrance to the Gallery/Studios (3 storey)
THE AGBARHA-OTOR EXPERIENCE
When the class was told to prepare for a trip to Agbarha-Otor, I did not know what to expect. Before this time, I had heard so much about the Niger Delta Cultural Centre. In 2002, I attended a burial just down the road from the centre but the chaos and activities allowed me no time to visit. So here I was, given the opportunity to visit Agbarha-Otor for the second time and for a better purpose.
Agbarha-Otor is a quiet locality in Ughelli, Delta State. Not much was known about the socio-cultural life of the people due to time constraints but I assume they are friendly people who practiced farming as a source of livelihood
Leaving the University of Port Harcourt campus early on Wednesday the 24th of August morning, was very smooth. Transportation was well organized and relatively comfortable. The East/West interstate link road connected us to Delta State in a little over 2 hours.
On arrival, we were pointed in the direction of the centre by an Okada rider. On getting there, I immediately noticed that there was no prominent signpost to signify the presence of such a centre; one of its kind in the whole Niger Delta region. Unfortunately, I was unable to ask Bruce Onobrakpeya why this was so.
The first team of students had just finished the first phase of the excursion which was to the gallery when we arrived. We were quickly put up to speed with an impromptu lecture chaired by Bruce Onobrakpeya-himself with Professor Agberia and Dr. Sam Ovraiti on hand to facilitate the lecture. The lecture venue was an open space called the symposium hall in a detached building from the main edifice which houses the gallery. This building not only had the lecture hall but there was a library and a kitchen as well. Meeting Bruce Onobrakpeya and listening to him talk about his purpose and vision for the centre was very inspiring.

The Lecture
The lecture was on the brief history of the centre and what it provides. In the opening statement, Professor Agberia described the centre as ‘a Mecca’ for artists, an educational and practice centre where every artist must pass through.
It was in 1998 that activities started in the Niger Delta Cultural Centre which is the venue of the yearly Harmattan workshop sponsored by BOF. The workshop usually occurs between February and March each year with 1-3 sessions. Prof. Agberia who was a pioneer student/worker of the centre intimated us on his stay as a fresh graduate student. He said he had fond memories as a student at the centre, of taking strolls in the bushes, fishing and plucking apples and other fruits that can be found around the centre. It was in these bushes he found clay which enabled him work on his ceramic pieces. He said that a major aim of the centre is to help the artist find conducive art studio space to experiment and move forward in his artistry. At the centre, artists and lovers of art could be found from novice to professionals and professors. The mystic of being in a hierarchy is demolished in the centre. There is an impetus to attain a higher education, a sense of inspiration after networking with fellow attendees.
After professing how delighted he was to have us at the centre, Onobrakpeya said that in the early days, the centre had nothing but Prof. Agberia who had just obtained his MA degree was there. He said that although the centre was not a certified university, it was an open space where people could come and benefit. Past alumni have used the centre as example and created similar studios in different parts of the country.

Bruce Onobrakpeya at the lecture hall Prof. Agberia, Dr. Sam Ovraiti & Bruce Onobrakpeya
Dr. Sam Ovraiti (one of Nigeria’s foremost water-colourists) who doubles as a Director and facilitator of lectures at the centre explained that the centre comprised of multi-disciplinary sections for fine art- ceramics, mixed-media painting, printmaking, stone carving, bronze casting, photography and drawing. When the centre is in session, there are facilitators who take charge of the various departments for example, Nelson Edewor.
During the month of August, there is a workshop titled ‘The August Retreat’. This two weeks retreat is for any one who is interested in taking charge of his creative life. There are no excursions or tours. Professionals who are otherwise occupied come to the centre to have time and space to work. Dr. Ovraiti was noted as saying that on average, 90-100 artists from different parts of the world like Lome, Belgium, Canada, Ghana, U.S.A etc. attend the centre during workshop seasons.
From the look of things, funding would be major problem to manage an establishment such as this. When asked how the centre is funded, Bruce Onobrakpeya replied that it is funded by the goodwill of corporations, individuals, alumni, family and personal savings. An instance of personal funding is the sale and auction of his works. He was paid N 1.7m for the sale of three of his works. These monies were put back into the centre. Another source of fund is the subsidized registration fees of N5, 000 and workshop fees of N15, 000, N20, 000 and N25,000 for students and professionals respectively.
The centre is run under BOF which was registered in 2000 with the Corporate Affairs Commission (CAC) as a non-governmental/charity organisation. Bruce had wanted Ford Foundation to fund the centre but the foundation only funds legacies; museums etc. However to obtain funding from Ford Foundation, a Board of Trustees was set up to diminish the sense of BOF being a one man run organisation. There is a Chairman, Directors, Secretary and Sub-Secretary, Accountant and General staff who oversee accommodation and gardening matters. Since the founding person has a vision, interests and ideas which he wants to present/represent, Bruce Onobrakpeya still carries the burden of funding, maintenance and execution of activities at the centre until aid comes. According to Samuel Chukwuka, Bruce Onobrakpeya said, “If you educate someone in art, it means you have advanced in development.” This might just be his driving force to setting up the center.
The Tour
The first port of call after the lecture at the symposium hall was to the library which is within the same building. The library is named after Janet Stanley the Chief Librarian, Smithsonian Institution Libraries; Washington, D.C. It was in 1991 that Prof. Agberia met her when she came to Nigeria to collect bio-data for the Who is Who of Nigerian Artists. The library contained rare materials, books and publications for the various disciplines of art and design.
Next stop was the new accommodation site. The centre has a vast number of self-contained rooms and chalets which accommodate a large number of attendees during the workshop season. The scenery was breathtaking as it was situated by the bushes not far from a stream. One can see why the place is a haven in the Niger Delta. It is a place where one could draw inspiration from with the serenity and nature available. We were lucky to see inside one of the rooms which I thought looked really comfortable and well constructed with wood supported by concrete pillars. The rooms were furnished with camp size beds and a ceiling fan. The architectural style resembled that from the colonial days which I found intriguing.
Next, we moved to the main building a three storey brick and concrete building which houses the gallery. It also serves as the venue for the workshops as well as an art studio space. Bruce Onobrakpeya said he has acquired many acres of land across the road from the gallery to build a permanent site for more studios and accommodation.
Entering the gallery, we were greeted by a black sculptural piece which was of a man wrestling a cow. I would like to title it ‘wrestler and the beast’. On the ground floor, there was a small group of students and artists learning bead making from Mosun Alashe. They had just spent two days there and had already mastered the art of beading. To my right was the printmaking section with ‘Adam & Eve’ on display having being printed through different printmaking processes.

The wrestler & the beast The beading group lead by Mosun Alashe
On the stairway to the first floor, a series of stone carvings lined the edges of the stairs. The first view was of posters of artists, mostly sculptors from Delta State. The biography on them showed that most of them were ‘native doctors’ and keepers of divinity. Andrew Onobrakpeya the stone carver was working on steatite ‘soap stone’. I interviewed him, trying to know what he was doing and what he tried to achieve in the end. He said he had no concept in mind but the stone usually speaks to him even before he uses it to work. It is during the course of work that he is able to produce a meaningful sculptural piece. He explained that the soap stone was the easiest to use and is easily found. The reason why he had a cement bag as a base was to absorb the shock from the use of chisel or any other equipment. He also said he had been a sculptor for many years and started carving with wood. Mr. Andrew seemed to be at peace and enjoying his work.

Adam & Eve by Ruth Obembe (printmaking) Textile Section on the third floor Close up of one textile fabric
The second floor had many mixed media painting works, metal works and photography works on display. Many of these works are those done by Bruce Onobrakpeya. It was on this floor that I met a Lome painter who specialises in painting on leather using inspiration from divination. Some other works by other artists on this floor were made from metal waste. They were so well designed and stood more than 6 feet tall.

Some paintings Mixed media metal works (Spoons) Photograhy works
The third floor held a majority of textiles works. Newly produced textiles hung from the stair rails. At a corner was a shrine which is synonymous with any of Bruce Onobrakpeya’s galleries. Each floor had a section dedicated to the various art disciplines. One of the shrines was a display of art titled Akporode. It is a combination of art pieces made from plastographs, paper, plastic, metal, ivory, steel, bronze, leather and found materials.


Bruce Onobrakpeya’s Akporode plastograph shrine Shrine on 2nd floor (Installations)
Standing atop the building on the third floor, I could get a strong sense of passion, dedication and effort of a man who was determined to make a difference.
Networking
I was able to meet with Mosun Alashe who taught students beading, Millicent Okocha who studied Theatre arts at the University of Port Harcourt now into textile design, Mr. Andrew Onobrakpeya a stone and wood carver and Ruth Obembe from Osun State whose printmaking designs inspired me. We were told that this the workshop season was off-peak so we were unable to meet with more artists to network with. It was profound how we were able to exchange ideas on techniques and application. Ruth gave me tips to producing good printmaking designs.
Departure
I got to eat lunch of Ogbono soup prepared from the kitchen. Lunch was served in the symposium hall. The journey drew to a close as it was only a days’ trip. We wrote our names in the visitor’s register before departing the centre. I was able to scribble my thoughts of the experience in one sentence, “a memory to last a lifetime”.


SUMMARY
In summary, I would like to say that the Niger Delta Cultural Centre is indeed everything it stands for. It is a place that undoubtedly creates an avenue for job creation, poverty alleviation and self-development. The centre exemplifies the meaning of studio practice which many artists lack professionally. In a volatile area such as the Niger Delta region, the centre provides an atmosphere of serenity which encourages development and growth of the practice of art and design. There are still a number of things that can be done to improve on the centre but it being single-handedly owned and run by one man, his efforts cannot be ignored. The excursion served as a source of inspiration to me. It has made me want to work to further my skills and commit more time to the studio.

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